General — TransplantLyfe


Lyfetalk~ Asking Others for Help

Ldybug97Transplant Patient
May 2, 2024 in General

@Jeanmarie and @TServold had a great conversation about Asking for Help.

This topic hit home with me. Many of us may be able to relate. I always feel like I was a burden and I realized people would help if asked. What are your thoughts about asking for help?


1 - 8 of 8 Replies

  • DebTransplant Patient

    Asking for help was extremely hard for me. At least if it’s something for me, if it’s for family or a close friend I don’t mind at all. I didn’t want to be needy or like you said a burden to anyone. When I was so sick I had people tell me all the time “if you need anything let me know” but I would never ask at first. My best friend knew me well enough to figure out what I needed or would just ask and I would let her or my mom do things but I finally began to get more comfortable asking a few close friends to help us if we needed it. Why is it so hard to ask for help?

    May 2, 2024
  • Ldybug97Transplant Patient

    @Deb In my situation, I feel it was hard for me because I like my independence and I can be very stubborn. Even though I was in a wheelchair, I lived alone after my husband died and I always told people if you’re not here I still have to do it. So let me do what I can and if I ask you for help, then you know I really need it. Post Transplant my sister-in-law stayed with me three days. I was like I’m good. I also feel it’s hard because of the reaction you may get from some people, people telling you that they will help you and then they don’t show up, and people looking for something in return of you asking them just for something as simple as can you pick my medicine up. I am so happy that you had a friend that knew you well enough to step in when needed.

    May 2, 2024
  • AliEm14Expert
    Transplant Patient

    I've gotten better at it! I think being born with a chronic illness and having that all my life, I learned a form of reliance on others just as my normal. There were definitely areas of my life where I needed more help than others.

    I don't remember who I learned it from (I think someone here!) but when someone asks if they can do anything to help me, I don't say nothing. I'll give them something, even if it's just bringing me a coffee or texting to check in. I do notice I tend to think about a lot of practical things like food and chores, and so I've been trying to branch out a little and say things like "Hey, I really need my hair done right now because I can't manage to brush it, can you help me?" Or asking for help more in the daily task, which frees up space for my care partner to then help with things like washing my hair or driving me places.

    I think one of the big things we've learned is my care partners need to ask for help. They're really good at taking care of me, and I know it is a lot on them so having them reach out and ask for things like meals, or someone to walk the dog, or just a break has been huge too.

    May 2, 2024
  • KevRTransplant Patient

    @Ldybug97, this post is probably the most relevant post for people who “need” people. Other than my illness, this is thee issue. I was in the hospital for along x and I even hated asking for help there. My wife and daughter did so much for me and instead of being 100% grateful, I would feel empty knowing that I needed someone to help me. They both told me to let go of this behavior but it’s very hard. The same with my siblings. My brother and sister who are religious would tell me to stop with the Pride, humility is needed here. And they all let me know that if the roles were reversed, I would do the same for them. A relevant and great post, @Ldybug97 .

    May 2, 2024
  • Ldybug97Transplant Patient

    @KevR when I listen to the podcast, I said I absolutely have to start a discussion about it because I felt as though many of us could relate to it. I understand exactly where you’re coming from because I struggle for a long time.

    May 2, 2024
  • TServoldTransplant Patient

    YES! @AliEm14 , This is huge! Asking for help with the small tasks makes a big difference, and also helps to empower us to know and trust who we can ask for help with the "big" tasks.

    May 7, 2024
  • JeanmarieTransplant Patient

    I must confess, even after recording this episode with @TServold , a couple of weeks later I did not ask for help and drove myself to the ER. The difference this time, I did allow a couple of friends bring me a couple of comfort items. I am making a little progress, haha.

    @KevR My thought process is right there with you. I will stop anything I am doing and gladly help anyone. But someone going out of their way to help me is mortifying. I am learning to lean on people a little more. I am a work in progress.

    May 8, 2024
  • KevRTransplant Patient

    @Jeanmarie, it’s a battle with ourselves. Sometimes, the toughest one of all.

    May 11, 2024
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