General
Feeling like you failed
I know I can't be alone in this feeling - how do you cope with feeling like you failed? There is a lot of feeling like i failed that went into admitting I actually needed a transplant, and this trauma loves to come back up when I least expect it. I had labs last week that came back less than stellar. We made some changes to my dosages, I'm getting repeat labs, it's not a huge cause for concern yet, but that feeling of failure is creeping back in. I'm looking for someone to "blame" for my bad numbers, and the most likely person is myself. What did I eat, what did I do, did I cause this?
I know none of us did anything to cause needing a transplant, or less than ideal lab values or whatever, but how do you cope with that feeling of failure being present?
I was reminded of what @mikeveny shared in his AMA a few weeks ago, about grief and getting down on the ground. I spent a few hours after the call yesterday just laying on my kitchen floor, letting myself feel my feelings, knowing that just because logically i can see they aren't true doesn't mean my body doesn't feel them as true, and that it is safe to let myself have those feelings.
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Oh my goodness sweet girl. I so feel you on this. And I think a lot of us do, because we understand that transplant is a treatment, not a cure. I've got a few podcast episodes I've done about failure. Most of them are about failing at reaching goals. I'll link some below.
I also heard a friend's podcast yesterday where she talked about sometimes we take on all the blame in order to feel like we're having some sense of control in our lives, even when the blame is not ours to take.
I think it's healthy to take ownership of what part is yours that you can effect change over (from a place of empowerment), and the rest is a letting go of needing to understand why things are happening (mostly because the need to know puts you into a fight or flight response which makes healing really challenging.)
I'm always here to talk!
And here's the podcast links:
Hi AliM,
I hope all goes well with your next labs. I just feel so bad for u and really really want good things for u, u have been thru so much compared to my TP.💕