General
Accountability Buddies
I wrote a post today talking about my experience getting back in the gym after my latest transplant surgery adventures, and how much working out for me is wrapped up in trauma. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to meet my body in new ways, and even though it's hard reminding myself I can do hard things.
Is anybody else feeling similarly when it comes to actually working out and doing the things you know you should be doing? What role do you think trauma plays in your daily habits and routines relating to your body? And does anybody want to be accountability buddies because I'm gonna need some help in making sure I'm moving my body and not giving up when it gets hard!
"I sent a text to my friend the other day saying I don’t know how to move through the world without being incredibly sick. I’ve never done it before. Post transplant I had maybe 3 months where I wasn’t actively recovering from surgery before my abdominal wall shattered.
I’ve been diving into what this says about me, how trauma can create experiences in the body.
I am 3 months and a day out from my abdominal wall replacement surgery, and I shared on my instagram that over the weekend I both went axe throwing for a friend’s birthday and did a workout with my professional athlete brother. I spent the weekend at my parents’ house, where I also stayed while recovering from surgery, and the last time I was there I couldn’t walk up the stairs. And I kept thinking about how much things have changed, even in 3 short months.
If I’m honest, my body is doing exactly what it was made to do, and I find this deeply unsettling. When you are born in a house on fire, that begins to feel normal, and when the smoke clears it can feel like a threat.
I have this idea in my head of what I want my life to look like, and every time I begin to move towards it, I can feel resistance rising up in my body. Sore muscles from a workout remind me of being sick. I can’t look in the mirror without a deep, twisted sense of body dysmorphia, and actually eating foods that will nourish my body sends me into a panic spiral because for so long I existed off of liquid meal replacements.
When you’ve been traumatized so deeply, healing begins to look like a threat. And that’s where I’m at.
Aside from reaching out to my therapist to create some new coping skills for my PTSD and working with a physiotherapist on the mechanics of regaining strength post surgery, I’ve also reached out to some friends. The messages have gone a little something like this: I need help. This is what’s going on, and I’m terrified. I’m going to do it terrified, but I need your support. You have permission to push me out of my comfort zone. Can you help me hold this?
And I’m writing my small thoughts on this big subject on my little corner of the internet, because I am trying to believe someone else needs to hear them too. It’s ok that it’s hard. We can do hard things.
So here I am, week 1 of my deep dive into healing my body, and my soul. Of learning how to live with trauma, do it afraid, and trust myself again."
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Transplant Patient
I believe the language we've used before is "healing is traumatic." The way you describe meeting your body in new ways is so beautiful. I feel like every day is an opportunity to meet our bodies in new ways and to be curious and brave about what we can do and accomplish.
I think there is a lot of uncertainty that comes with adding new (or old) things back into life after a huge experience like a transplant. I imagine there is so much worry and anxiety over if you are healed enough that you won't disrupt recovery. That something might shift and hurt. It's also hard to not compare where you were in your journey before to where you are now.
I was in a discussion about pain the other day and one person said philosophically, "Pain is the gap between where we expect to be and reality." And that pain is real and scary.
I am actually training for Boston Marathon right now and my body is not where I think it should be. It's actually quite broken down and it is hard to accept the fact that the race will not be what I expected it to be. Spinning a new normal for this race or accepting the race as a victory lap for making it is such a great idea. But getting the mind and body to align is sometimes so hard.
Keep pushing forward, keep moving your body and keep finding that body in new ways each day!
Transplant Patient
@authenticallyapril I love that description of pain! I think I’ve said it here before but after surgery and something like transplant, trauma does affect the way our body experiences pain. Even “normal” sensations like being sore after a workout can be clouded by trauma and the body reacts like it’s in danger. It’s a whole rewiring of the brain!
@AliEm14 sounds like (especially at the beginning of the journey of working out when we all feel so sure) a lot more then the average person just dealing with sore muscles and being tired at the beginning. But the whole body processing the soreness as ok and working through it.
i commend you and everyone else for working on that rewiring process and obtaining those new goals!
Reading this gives my hope I’ll be ready “to meet my body in new ways” some day. I am still reeling with anger and disdain for my body and how badly it let me down on that day in 2020 and all that I had to suffer to clean up the mess after. I was an athlete my entire life and any time I have tried to workout post transplant or even when on dialysis- I am met with a compete stranger inside this foreign body. To say I took my health for granted is the understatement of the year and I recognize that and I’ve learned a lot about who I was and who I’d rather be going forward. I think for me I’m learning, growing and I exercising my emotional self- rather than my physical body at this time- I’ll get there I know this toxic friendship with my body can’t last forever. At this time though She and I are not ready to trust one another in a gym.
with all of that said I am committed to a 10k walk this summer so we shall see how things go 😬
I love this discussion @AliEm14 Trauma and how you feel in your body are inextricably tied together. The way I like to think about it is that I’m having a conversation with my body. I’m in partnership with her. I don’t want to scare her with what I’m doing, but I also know that stressing the body is also good and builds health and muscle.
So what I do is to find simple ways to create safety in my body. In fact, the best way I’ve found is to simply imagine myself doing the exercises I want to first. If I can’t even imagine doing the movements I want to without experiencing discomfort or pain, then I’m not going to push my body past her comfort zone.
You know learning about chronic pain is one of my favorite things on the planet, so always feel free to reach out to me for love and endless support.