General
Let me know what you need?
January 2, 2024
in General
So many people ask that question and I hardly ever have the right answer...
It feels almost more like PRESSURE than help, esp when I feel at my worst...
I wish there were a way to articulate my needs, so that an overflow of food or flowers aren't delivered. It sounds ungrateful to say that, but the needs may be monetary, childcare, or even toilet paper!
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I got into the habit of telling people I needed things that really did make me feel better. I could really use my windows cleaned, while I am at the doctor. I need someone to go water my flowers while I am at the hospital. The next snowstorm, if its not too much trouble to commute, I could really use help shoveling the snow. I need new soft towels, because the Tacro made my skin crawl and the towels that I had even though only about two years old were not soft enough. I need laundry detergent, and I really like this kind/smell, etc. The first few times I asked it felt very strange. Then, people were used to and actually appreciated that I gave some direction and advocated for what I really did need. Sometimes, it resulted in them just sending me some money so that I could order the items I needed in my house, other times it was sending me money so that I could hire a house cleaner, or ordering the items I said I needed so that they were delivered to my doorstep.
Transplant Patient
I second @TServold! I asked once for someone to send me to get my hair done, because I had absolutely no energy to brush my hair and it was matting.
I've also found it's helpful to have a list beforehand. When I'm sick and in the moment, I'm not thinking of things I might want/need! I have things that I know need to be taken care of, like walking the dog or mowing our lawn, and then things that might be helpful to me like getting my hair done or getting a coffee. A lot of people just end up sending money or food gift cards, which works fine because then we can spend that money on things that are helpful or get food we'll actually eat.
I just can’t ask people to help me. I’ve always had trouble with it and before transplant in my worst days my friend became my live saver. She was so in tune to my needs. She could tell in my voice when I was down, sick or scared. She would show up with my cherry sprite and an extra large cup of ice with a big hug and that made it all better. But other than her and my husband I can’t voice my needs. It’s so hard. I’ve had so many reach out and tell me I’m here if you need me or Give us a call if you need anything. You guys nailed this one and you know I’m so guilty of the same thing. I say those exact words to others in need. This is a learning experience for all of us I guess.
I am absolutely the same way I think I am super women bc I am extremely independent and think I can do everything. My Dad and brother are the ones that took care of me after TP they definitely put me in my place❤️
This topic will help me to ask and do the right thing. I just had a very dear neighbor who passed and I know how I am going to handle it. Like Karin expressed food is just what we do but that’s not always what folks need. 😊
I wish I was more like @TServold and @AliEm14 . I will crawl to the store on my own if I have to. It is so rare that I will accept any help from anyone. I am so worried about being a burden to people. However, I never think twice about helping someone else. I think this is something I should work on this year. It's really a form of self-care that I haven't explored yet. I've realized that it's healing for other people to help me too.
@Jeanmarie , it was hard. REALLY hard for me to say what I needed at first. I had a friend who would ask jokingly but not actually joking at all. She is who helped me break that feeling. She asked me if I needed someone to scrub my shower and I said yeah, actually; and then she showed up and did it. Then she told others that I didn't need food, or flowers I needed real human help and everyone was receptive to it! People get it, and are willing they don't don't want to be awkward.