Pancreas
Relationships broken due to transplants
Updated May 31, 2021
in Pancreas
Any of you lost a friend or partner due to your transplant??
I lost a boyfriend but that was my own doing / I could not stay with him after he had seen me in three hospitals over one month, and I had been so weak and vulnerable over the totality of our relationship. When I finally had healed / I broke it off / I felt horrible and mean but I just could not look at him anymore - all I thought about was sickness and pain... I did only meet him two months prior to my pancreas and that period was full of waiting and planning ...
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Yes. I am 15 years post transplant so I have LOTS of examples of this. I was in a relationship when I was first transplanted but felt like he was holding me back from finally living and I broke it off with him and moved to LA.
Then about 10 years post transplant I was only married for 6 months and I had a major rejection episode. I was in the hospital for months. It took a toll on our marriage and we divorced shortly after.
And then there are the broken friendships. Some because of my own doing. Not receiving the support I felt like I should be receiving from certain friends led me to dissolving our friendships. I have learned over the years to not put expectations on people. Its not fair to them.
But I also have the most amazing supportive family and friends that have helped me get to where I am today. I think that those relationships that didn't make it, were not going to make it anyway despite the transplant.
Yes, I had a partner for about 5 years that I met post transplant. As I started to have complications and an episode of rejection they decided it was too much. Ultimately I was told they couldn’t handle it anymore and said they didn’t want to spend their life being a care partner.
I agree with @Jeanmarie on having to learn to change my expectations of people. Over the years I have built the most amazing support system that have helped me be successful but it wasn’t always easy. Transplant life is not for everyone.
Transplant Patient
The relationships that broke were the ones that needed to anyway. They were the people in my life who weren’t for me in the first place and transplant just solidified that.
my relationship with my partner and immediate family got stronger
Transplant Patient
I am glad you see it that way @AliEm14 but the truth is not as easy as you claim - yes, we all know those relationships may not be worth it longtime but they do hurt when they fall apart!
Transplant Patient
@Karin absolutely it’s hard. I’ve lost other relationships, not from transplant but other things in my life. Maybe it’s just having been sick for so long I’m over it 😂 like if you don’t see my worth, there’s the door.
I think it affects different people in different ways and that’s the truth
@karin @AliEm14 I agree that it affects different people in different ways. When I was younger I took it really hard but as I got older I developed a better attitude towards the situation.
Transplant Patient
This is still so difficult to navigate. My partner and I are solid, but I always wonder when it will become too much and he'll leave. I have lost many friends because they don't understand invisible illness. "But you don't look sick!" gets old really fast. I now have supportive friendships that understand my last minute bailing because of pain, fatigue, mental health breakdowns, etc. And it feels good to be loved by them.
I am in one of these presently. But I will say it’s not because of the transplant. But as he is my caregiver LOL he has realized, I feel, that he is done with it. I’m ready to go, he is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. Now a couple of months ago he started gaslighting me 🤬🤯. At least I know what he is doing and can move around topics or just walk away. I’m sad, lost, confused and very uncertain. I cannot support myself now. I’m unable to work. So I’m stuck just like fat ole Chuck 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅😅. Not mad just taking. Today is my first day here. 😊😊😊😊
Transplant Patient
@SecondChance good for you for realizing you’re ready to go. Any kind of trauma or illness can be really hard on a relationship, and sometimes the best thing to do is leave.
are there any kind of financial resources available where you are? I was able to apply for short term disability post transplant which gave me some funding as I was struggling to get back on my feet. It’s a pain in the butt but might be worth looking into. I hope you find something soon, and are able to get the fresh start you deserve
Transplant Patient
@SecondChance soujds like you know what you are doing and I am so happy you have found this group to help you! How was Xmas??
This wasn't an issue post-transplant.
However, pre-transplant a lot of relationships either broke down or failed to launch primarily because of me. I never really ran into a partner that was unaware of my disease or unwilling to provide support.
I just pretty much refused to become emotionally attached because I falsely assumed any long-term relationship would either result in 1) my death or 2) expose the real and difficult underbellies of CF in which case they'd run to the hills. Didn't matter the GF's that accompanied me to appointments, helped me recover after surgeries, or would stay by my side for weeks on end in the hospital. I just refused to believe and trust and would end up sabotaging relationships. Suffice to say I've evolved on that view.
As far as platonic friendships are concerned I'm lucky that the friends that took care of me and protected me during my more fragile years are still my friends now. I never lost a friendship to CF.
Stephen, I’m sad to hear you didn’t want relationships to progress because of your fear of dying, your CF. I believe that is a very difficult disease. We need people to love us for who we are and some people actually do and would rather the relationship go further rather than end it. You seemed to have evolved with this and accept it but if you meet someone you wish to take it further…what have you got to lose? Beat wishes with your health.
I’m trying to learn how this works as this is my first day posting. Relationships are not easy for many people. Some people just can’t deal with illness. As ChefAmanda said, they didn’t sign up to be a caregiver and couldn’t handle the illness. This happens with people who have Diabetes T1, cancer and other illnesses. People get divorced due to the illness, dealing with it and being a caregiver. It’s too much for them. When I hear they are verbally abusive and mean that just makes me sick. I must say I met my husband when I had T1 Diabetes and I never thought about it and unsure if he did. It’s something I had lived with for 9 years. When my diabetes became worse without the ability to recognize low blood sugars and running into problems with that he worried and would make suggestions. I eventually had the pump but the transplant was the best thing that ever happened to both my husband and myself. We had a discussion the other day about the transplant being a good thing and he said before that he was always so worried about me…about getting where I was going and coming home. The poor guy, but I’m blessed that he stuck with me. Life is better post transplant and it has been 14 years. Don’t give up transplant people.
Second Chance, I was able to get disability for my transplant right away. At first I thought it wasn’t right but I couldn’t work as I was fatigued among many other things. After a couple of years I could work but not full time as I had done before. I love to work so it made me sad but I adjusted well. It didn’t cost me anything to apply for disability. Good luck on your financial situation.
This story is kind of related... I was dating a guy, and we had dated about a month. We were young, think early 20s. 22ish? We went out one night to a house party and a bunch of people went back to his house and crashed for the night. The next morning we all got up and went for breakfast. I have celiac disease and did not pay great attention to it early on. I had French Toast and got very sick from it. Since I have T1D and was that sick I stopped taking my insulin that Sunday since I was not keeping foods or liquid down. It was a bad combination. I stayed at his house all day, and Sunday night. Monday morning came around and we got up for work. I was still quite sick and at this point in DKA. He asked if I was going to stay home and I said no, I would leave right behind him. I did not leave. I ended up passing out in his bathroom on the floor. I didn't show up for work and they called my mom, who called a friend. They found me at this guys house and called an ambulance. I spent a few day in the hospital rehydrating. I was so embarrassed I did not want to hang out with this guy any more. I ended things. Now, 15 years later his wife and I are great friends (yes, we joke about the past relationship. She and I work together, and they were the first people who brought dinner over to my house after I was home from the hospital after transplant. I couldn't put pants on, or even wear a robe my abdomen was so sore at the time.
Needless to say he has seen me in some terrible conditions and is still a great friend.
Transplant Patient
@Saveddonna55 - it's so good to hear from you, finally! 😊 Congrats on completing 14 years with your Gift of Life! 👍 (In April, I celebrated 8 years post heart transplant.).
- extremely LUCKY
- completely BLESSED
- eternally GRATEFUL
#OrganDonation
+
#Transplantation
=
#Miracles 💯
💙♻️💚
This is such a good discussion, In my 20's my kidney disease started. I was living in Arizona in the Grand Canyon, I met a woman and fell in love. I took a leap of faith and moved to Kentucky to be with her. Within 3-4 months of being there my CKD was officially starting. I was hospitalized for 3 days with no health insurance and had no idea what was going to happen. My partner this woman stood by me in the beginning and all of my kidney issues. It was a very scary time. What was so strange is that I appreciated her help but also resented her because when anyone else tried to help she would push them away. It was tough. I was fortunate enough to receive a kidney transplant in 2007 it lasted for 13 years. During that time while married to this woman we dealt with a lot of back and forth arguing and bickering. I was unhappy. depressed. In 2013 I asked for a separation, and we divorced in 2014. Lots of resentment on both our parts. I always wish her well, and we have a 12 year old daughter together so I appreciate that we became parents together. I just couldn't stay in the relationship with her.
Transplant Patient
@Berriosa1234 , thank you for sharing & so sorry to hear about what all happenned.
Luckily, it's in the past now & you're a stronger person for having gone through those challenging times. Sometimes, it's best to distance ourselves from any negative energy, especially when there are health related issues to deal with. Good luck with your daughter too! 👍
Transplant Patient
@Berriosa1234 i totally get that! When I was going through kidney failure the first time around, 15 years ago, my partner at the time was very strong and came with me for my pancreas transplant from nyc to Minnesota. He saw me through three serious hospitalizations and after that I could not deal with him anymore. Ptsd for sure and he was such a strong person that I always felt like a victim when he was around. I broke it off through a text (horrible I know!), but his presence triggered me so badly.
This. This. This. and a reminder that the word 'relationships' doesnt always mean a significant other. Ive lost friends simply because I went into failure in my early 20's and there was no way of relating to them or keeping up with them. But the true ones stepped forward to support regardless. Same thing goes for family and my partner. Some family members completely ghosted me mainly because I reminded them of death and their fears.
My wife had polycystic kidney disease and had a transplant 2 years ago. I was able to donate a kidney directly to her. We've been together more than 40 years. She's had loads of side effects from the drugs, an early rejection episode, noro virus, covid, a broken foot, and has developed a small aneurysm in her brain. I've tried to be a good caretaker, but I'm not very good at the emotional side of it. We're right now spending time apart because the stress of being together could lead to a brain bleed. We've discussed legal separation and/or divorce. I'm heartbroken
Transplant Patient
thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope you're able to find some support here. That sounds like so much for you, and your wife, and so hard from all angles. My husband was the same way post transplant - amazing caregiver and emotions were not his strong suit. Coupled with all the changes I was going through with my transplant, it was really hard to work through. I'm sending you and your wife so much love, and I'm here if you ever want to chat
Many people walked away from me while I was on dialysis but my medical teams have become like family. I think the hardest part for me is that my mom and twin brother did not support me through years of dialysis and now that I had a transplant they feel like I should handle everything for this family . I have never been a selfish person but I know I must set boundaries to protect myself and keep myself healthy. At one one point my transplant center removed me from the list because they said I had no family support after my husband passed away. The words felt like someone was sticking a knife in my heart but it was a 100% true. If losing a relationship is worth saving my kidney I will choose my health over my family.