Kidney
sharing that you have a transplant with someone new you met
Updated May 27, 2021
in Kidney
Hi,
Any advice for sharing that you have a transplant? I am not seeing anyone, but I continue to think about this. Do I share in the beginning of getting to know someone? After a while passes? My experience with this has not been great in the past. I have found that people tend to run the other direction. Thanks!
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I think this is such a great topic. I was married for a little bit and now divorced and have done plenty of dating over the years. I have brought it up right away to people and sometimes not right away. It usually comes up in conversation on a first date just because it is so much of my life. From too much experience I think the best way is just bring it up when its natural in the conversation. I would expect people to run anyway because they weren't the right ones. I am just grateful when they do run right away so they don't waste my time, haha.
Transplant Patient
Agree w you @Jeanmarie - better to do it early so you don’t waste time on losers
@mikem - you are a great guy and the transplants should not affect your relationships if you are w the right person! I recognize I sound “cocky”, and I am not as much so when I deal w myself :-(
I agree with this! I typically bring it up right away because it is a big part of my life - the people who have a problem with are the people who wouldn't be able to support me during any health issues in the future, so I'd rather find that out right away!
@mikem I agree with what everyone else is saying as well. I bring it up in the beginning. If the person decides it’s too much for them then no time was wasted.
@ChefAmanda @Karin @meghansmith @JimGleason @Jeanmarie Thanks all for weighing in. I've normally told people early on when I met the person whether it's romance type relationship or just friendship. I guess I'm wondering - do you think it's different in a pandemic? I think I normally tell people in person. In the singles world, I don't know people share these types of things in a pandemic when one may not ever meet the person for quite some time. I mean you can "meet" someone online in a video chat. I have always felt like this is a conversation that normally happened for me in the course of getting to know people in person.
😏
👍️ Thanks!
Transplant Patient
wow that is a difficult one but I think you got to be honest with who you are, and if you think your transplant is important to your behavior, lifestyle etc, then it needs to come out! I kind of throw it out there without the drama - the worst is the build up and the full story - followed by pitiful looks and odd behavior....
Wonderful topic! I’ve learned to love myself and much like Karin mentioned that is the “about” me I say first. I don’t drink and lead a healthy life. If someone doesn’t like it. Oh well! It saves me time and heartache.
The point is to be honest from the start and have those discussions. Your heart and mind will thank you!
Thanks. I think it's the looks that get me as well.
The pandemic has compounded the challenge, that's for sure.
Transplant Patient
@mikem i hate the looks - feeling sorry for us or feeling better - maybe I am sensitive but I hate it!
Transplant Patient
This is an interesting topic. I got married before my transplant so I never had to deal with it romantically. And I've been sick since birth, so adding a transplant to my list of health complications was never like a big shocker to anybody. When I was younger I definitely felt a lot of shame around it, and would skip meds because I didn't want to take them in front of people which only ultimately made me sicker. Now maybe it's the stage of life I'm in, or just that I feel so proud of my transplant and the opportunity I had to get this new liver and a second chance at life, but I'm really open about it. It's in my instagram bio so a quick google search and people already know my entire medical history. I'm comfortable with who i am, and sharing my journey is a really big healing tool for me. If other people don't like it, they can move on. Life is too short to try and please other people
Great topic! I'm 41, will be 25 years post transplant in June (eek!) and I'm still very much dating and looking for that special someone though Covid has kind put everything to screeching halt. I've brought it up early and if they get wigged out, it's their loss. I actually had one guy respond with, "well, I guess this means you're going to die soon..." and stop talking to me but here I am, over 10 years after that foot-in-the-mouth.
I'm glad someone brought it up!
Transplant Patient
Just adding to this topic - I have a friend who has cancer and she’s talked about how hard dating is not only with her medical history but also with the pandemic and being immunocompromised. Is this something any of you have dealt with? If you’re in the dating pool during this pandemic how are you navigating that?
I haven't really attempted it, to be honest. I'd like to but I'm honestly scared/nervous.
@AliEm14
I think its hard, ive had someone be with me through this since I was placed on the transplant list. When I got my liver he was there still its just hard for me especially now bc since we are in a pandemic and we are immunocompromised it makes it so hard for me bc they also don’t understand things from our perspectives. But the idea never leaves my head of what if I had to start over with someone how would I even start.
Transplant Patient
@Dani_23 ooh yes. Good point. I’m in a similar boat in being with the same person for so long. And I do feel really lucky I’ve had that and he’s stuck by me through it all. And yet at the same time we have friends right now getting divorced over what seems like far lesser reasons than what we would have. And it does make me wonder. I’m used to the immunocompromised pandemic life, since I was immunocompromised even before the pandemic and my transplant, but at the same time I do realize no one else fully understands and while it is my life it’s not theirs. There’s a lot of trust involved. I know there is in any relationship but I feel like it’s heightened when there’s any health complications involved.
@AliEm14
I feel like I wont ever get used to be being immunocompromised no matter how long its been, the person I've been with, he's understood but, part of me still feels like he doesn't understand the extent of it. Sometimes I feel like a burden if that makes sense? And you are right, there is and has to be a lot of trust involved.
Transplant Patient
That totally makes sense! I have a lot of similar feelings myself. I find myself asking if he is sure he wouldn't rather be with someone else: someone healthy and who could give him biological children. I've realized most of those concerns and doubts are coming from my own head, not things he's actually expressed to me and definitely not things i know are a reality. I've really had to take the time and put in the work to become comfortable with all aspects of myself, and i've found that when I'm confident in who I am it's a lot easier to see all the great reasons someone would want to be with me.
You are not your transplant. There are so many great things about you and so many reasons why someone would want to be with you. I see your light, but I know the hardest thing is seeing it in yourself
@AliEm14
In a way it feels good to know that there are others that have similar thoughts I thought I was kind of on my own for that one. But everything you described in the first part I have felt that so much. And thank you for the advice and advice in the bottom part it makes a huge difference and is appreciated :)
Transplant Patient
Anytime! You're definitely not alone. If you ever want to talk through things further, my inbox is always open